


Being a mom

by AniZH



Category: Boy Meets World
Genre: Family, Gen, Mother-Son Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-16
Updated: 2015-09-16
Packaged: 2018-04-21 02:22:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4811318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AniZH/pseuds/AniZH
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Somewhere along the line, Amy definitely starts feeling like Shawn's mother. She doesn't need him to see her that way as well. It's enough that he knows that he is loved.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Being a mom

Being the mom of two children, she often feels stressed. She always has to take care of someone. It isn’t just about her own children. Eric’s and Cory’s friends both love staying over at the Matthews. There is almost no time when just the two of them are in the house.  
This time, Amy is drawn out because of a loud thud outside and a small outcry.  
She runs out and there sits Shawn, at the bottom of the tree, holding his right leg, tears in his eyes. Cory carefully climbs out of the tree house, a worried expression in his face.  
“What happened?” she asks, kneeling down next to Shawn. “Are you okay, honey?”  
“I am okay,” Shawn quickly assures her and sounds absolutely honest, but he definitely looks as if he is in pain with the way he is still holding his leg.  
Cory kneels down next to him as well. “He tried to climb up the tree house and fell.”  
“Snitch,” Shawn hisses, before looking up to Amy as innocent as possible.  
He surely is afraid that she is going to punish him for that try and possibly she should but she is certain he is punished enough by falling and hurting himself.  
Anyhow, it is curious that Shawn isn’t even crying, apparently trying to hide his pain, and is more anxious about being punished than about that pain, although he is still five years old.  
She puts her hand on his arm and smiles softly. “Come on in, Shawn. Let me take a look at that leg.”  
He looks a bit surprised but follows her inside the house with his hurting leg.

~+~

He has been in and out of town several times. One time, the whole family moved away and came back again. Then his mother went away and his father and he followed her. They came back again and for a week, Shawn has suddenly been gone again but now he is back. Apparently, his parents are still out of town, his father having gotten a job somewhere and his mother having decided to build up a life there while Shawn still should visit his regular school. Amy wouldn’t call the elementary school, he and Cory now go to, Shawn’s regular school as he hasn’t attended it half of the time of their first school year but she isn’t really involved anyway. That just is what she has heard. Also, she has heard that Shawn is staying with his uncle in the trailer park – what she doesn’t consider a good place for a child but she does know it isn’t her place to say anything. Also, she now as a new-born baby that she has to take care of as well and life is difficult enough without talking to people she doesn’t know about how to raise a child.  
The really interesting thing is that Shawn and Cory always have found each other again. Since they had first met, even if Shawn had been away in between and they hadn’t had the chance to speak to each other, as soon as Shawn was back, they were always best friends again and wanted to see each other every day.  
Shawn is now at their place again. Cory and he have just played basketball outside and are sitting on the couch, exhausted, when Amy asks: “Oh, Shawn. Do you want to stay for dinner today? When do you have to go home?”  
“I don’t know,” Shawn answers and Amy furls her brows: “Didn’t your uncle say when you should be back?” He is only seven years old after all.  
Shawn avoids to look into her eyes. He shrugs. “He isn’t home tonight.”  
“What?” Amy asks and Shawn just shrugs again.  
“But he surely didn’t leave you on your own for the night?!”  
“I have a number I can call him on for emergencies,” Shawn says in such a neutral tone as if it is a totally normal thing.  
She wants to scream out, maybe even cry but instead, she does her best to smile: “How about you stay here for the night? If you give me that number I can ask your uncle if that would be okay.”  
“That would be brilliant,” Cory says with bright eyes.  
Shawn genuinely smiles and pulls a little piece of paper out of the backpocket of his jeans with some numbers written on it. “Yeah, sure.”

~+~

They live in a house now, only two blocks over. Before, they had returned to the same apartment complex several times whenever they had been out of the city. Now, they obivously truly try to pull their lives together. Amy is glad for Shawn.  
But there are still problems.  
Amy doesn’t meet Shawn’s parents very often but from time to time she hears of them losing their jobs again. After all, the other parents in Cory’s and Shawn’s class like to talk. At least the kids apparently aren’t influenced by it, aren’t convinced to not play with Shawn or anything.  
But there are troubles with money. Amy knows that. But it isn’t just about money. Even when one of them has a steady job, like Chet apparently has at the moment, Shawn... isn’t always well-fed.  
Of course, with eleven years he is about to go into puberty, he obvisouly is in the middle of his first growth-spurt, and it is normal to eat much during that time. She experiences that with Eric as well.  
But Shawn’s way of eating is somehow different. The way his eyes light up when he just smells whatever Amy is cooking each night, just tells Amy so much more. Obviously, Virna and Chet don’t even always take good care of him when they are able to – or they just aren’t actually able to, just because they have the money.  
Most of the times, he is of course cared for. His behaviour at this night’s dinner has again told a different story.  
“We’ll see you tomorrow?”, she asks when he is about to go home. He pretty much comes over every day but usually he goes home first, both boys being home for lunch, and comes over afterwards.  
He nods and she smiles: “Why don’t you come directly after school tomorrow? I could bring you to the mall after lunch if you would like to. It would be easier this way.”  
Cory and Shawn share a short look, Cory obviously excited to go to the mall together. So, Shawn nods. “Yeah. I’ll tell my parents.”  
For next day’s lunch she makes Shawn’s favorite food.

~+~

She feels absolutely powerless and sick. She hasn’t met Chet that often in her life. He barely knows their names. But here he is, standing in their living room and asking them to take care of his son.  
She feels so sorry for Shawn but there is nothing anyone can do. Later that evening, she will get angry. Angry because they are three grown-ups in the room and all of them just watch Chet leave his son. But there is nothing, anyone can do. She knows there is no use in starting a fight with Chet. The most important thing is that Shawn is well-cared for and they can take care of him as well.  
So, she nods and agrees.  
But she knows that Shawn is hurt. He isn’t holding his leg this time and he is even better at lying now than he had been when he had fallen out of the tree. She doesn’t like that but there is no use mentioning that. They just have to try everything to make Shawn feel home.

~+~

It scares her. It makes her stomach turn.  
She has always known the theories of cults. She once learned how the leaders got people to trust them, to follow them anywhere. She knows which people are easier to get for those people. She never thought they would get Shawn.  
It hurts her hearing him repeating the empty phrases. It’s not like he has ever giving her an honest and satisfying answer to the question if he is alright but the phrase about him being centrened just sounds so wrong.  
It hurts even more when, after she tells him that they love him, he says that Mr. Mac has said that they would say that. She can’t even believe what he is saying and how he is looking at her. As if they truly just would tell him they love him to make him unhappy, though they don’t mean it. He has to know that they love him, hasn’t he? Doesn’t he know?  
She knows that it isn’t his fault either way. She tries to reason with him but they are interrupted when George tells them about Jonathan’s accident.  
She keeps Alan from hitting Mr. Mac but just because she knows that that’s what Mr. Mac would want. She is angry at him as well. She hates him. She is afraid of him because what if he really succeeds in taking Shawn away from them?  
But Shawn is stronger in the end. He is the one who pushes Mr. Mac away and she really is deeply impressed with him. He is still a child, he has already lived such an awful life, but here he is, stronger than Mr. Mac. Stronger than everyone. Overcoming another obstacle in his life.  
At home, she is cleaning up the kitchen for the day when he comes down the stairs to get himself a last drink before bed. They shortly talk, about nothing, really. Not about what has happened, how long this day has been, how Jonathan will be tomorrow. But when he is about to go up again, she goes over to him and hugs him. It’s the first time ever that she hugs him and he feels surprinsingly small in her arms though he is already a little bit taller than she is.  
He puts his arms around her, but doesn’t really hug her back. He does relax in her arms though.  
She lets him go with a smile. “Good night, Shawn.“  
“Good night, Mrs. Matthews,“ he says with a smile of his own and goes up the first few steps before he turns back. “And about ealier... in the backyard... before...“ He shortly looks up to her and she nods to let him know that she understands what he is talking about. About the talk before they learned from Jonathan accident. He doesn’t have to say it.  
He avoids her eyes again but he continues with a firm voice: “I do know that you love me. I love you, too.”

~+~

After she answers the call, she just hears some noises in the distance on the other end. Something, that sounds frightning like a hospital.  
And then, finally, Shawn’s voice, not crying, but not steady either: “Mrs. Matthews? Um... It’s Shawn.”  
“What is it, honey?” she instantly asks.  
It takes Shawn another few seconds before he answers: “Um... My dad... He had a heart attack.”  
For a moment, she can’t breath. This can’t be happening.  
Shawn audibly swallows, then quickly: “I’m at the hospital now. I don’t know why I am calling. I reached Cory at the dorm. Eric told me I should call you as well. I am not expecting you to come or anything.”  
She hates how true his lie even rings in a situation like this.  
But she doesn’t say anything about it. Instead, she just asks: “Which hospital are you at?”

Shawn is arguing with Jack when they come in. He says that their father will leave, even after this. She hates how sure he is about that.  
She feels like hugging him. But she sees him drawing back very slightly when Alan puts his arm around him. He doesn’t fully pull back but she doesn’t believe he is comfortable. She doesn’t want to push anything.  
They go inside the hospital room and of course she takes Chet’s hands in hers. They have never been friends. Amy never has understood Chet’s behaviour about Shawn, his running away from that beautiful, beautiful child. But Chet just has had a heart attack. He needs soothing voices, he needs friends, he needs rest. Otherwise, his heart possibly won’t be able to take it and she can’t let that happen. After all, Shawn still so obviously loves and needs him.  
She still wants to yell at him when he says he will leave for Las Vegas. She doesn’t yell. But she wonders if Shawn is ever allowed to be happy.  
And then, Chet is gone forever and she knows that it isn’t his fault but she resents him for it anyway.

Of course, she is there for the funeral. Most are there not for Chet but for Shawn and Jack.  
When everyone goes to shake there hands and tell them how sorry they are, she goes to Shawn, too.  
She doesn’t shake his hand. She hugs him and whispers in his ear: “We all love you very, very much. Don’t forget about that.”  
For a moment, Shawn is still in her arms, then he hugs her back tightly and answers in a whisper: “I won’t. Thank you, Mrs. Matthews.”

~+~

“Hello, Mrs. Matthews. It’s me, Shawn.”  
She smiles at the sound of the familiar voice she hasn’t heard for two weeks which is a little unusual though it has happened on occasion, especially during summer breaks when Cory has been at camp or with relatives.  
“Shawn,” she says and sits down on a kitchen chair. “How are you?”  
“I am good. How are you? How is the pregnancy going?”  
She lays her hand on her belly and sighs slightly. “I’m fine. Just getting bigger and bigger every day.”  
He laughs. “Well, that can’t be a nice feeling. But I’m sure you look very beautiful, Mrs. Matthews.”  
“Oh, thanks, Shawn,” she says and really means it, before they are silent for a moment. Morgan comes down the stairs and Amy gives her a smile, then says to Shawn: “Cory isn’t here at the moment, by the way. If you wanted to talk to him.”  
Shawn quickly replies: “Oh, he said something about being at your place more for the next few days. And I didn’t reach him at the dorm. But I just remembered... He talked to me about seeing that new movie. That could be now.”  
He is good at lying but that doesn’t mean that Amy doesn’t know better. She has known Shawn for a long time now. If Cory has shared his plans with him, he of course would know. He knows that Cory is at the movies. He has known before he has called.  
Amy feels a warmth spread in her body and looks to Morgan again who has taken a pudding out of the fridge and has taken a seat at the kitchen table. “Shawn?” she mouths and Amy nods.  
Then, she speaks to Shawn again: “But I’m glad to hear your voice. Morgan is here as well. I put you on speaker and then you can tell us where you are.”  
So, she does put him on speaker and Morgan calls out: “Hi, Shawn.”  
“Hey, Morgan. How are you?”  
“Fine. But my life’s not nearly as interesting as yours at the time. Now... Where are you? What are you doing?”  
Shawn is obviously smiling as well while he answers.

~+~

She is glad when everyone is home again.  
Cory and Topanga are in the kitchen now and making something to eat for everyone. Alan and Eric have started talking about sports, sitting at the kitchen table and drinking hot chocolate.  
Morgan, Shawn and Amy have talked about Shawn’s trip which was finally over, after about three weeks. They are sitting in the living room and Joshua is securely in Amy’s arms. Morgan now stands up and goes into the kitchen to ask how long it will still take until she gets to eat.  
For a moment , it’s silent between Amy and Shawn. Joshua is making a few noises and Amy looks down at him, smiling.  
“I am really, really glad, everything is okay,” Shawn says and she looks up to him and sees that he is staring at Joshua.  
“I am, too,” she says honestly and cradles the child she could have lost.  
For a few seconds, they both just look at the new child, before Amy realizes something: “You haven’t hold him yet, have you?”  
Shawn is obviously surprised at this sudden question. “I haven’t.”  
She knows that all her other children have hold Joshua already, Topanga as well. She doesn’t know how she could have missed Shawn until now.  
So she stands up and goes over to the arm chair Shawn is sitting in. He doesn’t seem to know what to do or what is happening but he holds his arms and hands instinctively out.  
Carefully, she puts her new-born child in his arms and he takes him and smiles down at him.  
“Hi, Josh,” he whispers as if he hasn’t spoken to him before which he actually has several times.  
She has to smile at the picture, just like she had when she had seen her other children together in this way.  
She gives Shawn a short kiss on his hair.

~+~

She never expected this. She hates every second of it. Cory always knows best when it’s about Shawn and she wishes she wouldn’t have encouraged Shawn to open the letter. It wouldn’t have made a difference, she knows, but anyway...  
So, Virna isn’t Shawn biological mother. And with that, he looses the last constant in his family life. Not that she ever was a constant but...  
She just wants to wrap Shawn up in her arms but he says with an awful smile that everything is fine and is out the door before she can say that nothing is. Cory follows him and she is glad that he is because she knows that Shawn needs him right now. She asks herself what she can do to help him but she doesn’t know.

It’s Alan’s birthbay and Shawn is drunk. She doesn’t like seeing him this way. She hates it. But she can understand why he wasn’t able to face any of this without a drink.  
And then, suddenly, Alan tells him that he could be Shawn’s father.  
Amy needs a moment. They never really talked about adoption. There were jokes because Shawn spent so much time at their place. But Shawn always had his own family – even if it is unreliable and awful. He doesn’t feel like having a family now. He has.  
Though Shawn of course has a mother (even if Virna isn’t the biological one), she has felt for some years now like he was her child, too. She hasn’t been able to truly do anything for him but she has felt like his mother.  
So she softly says: “You need a mum? I am a really good mum. I got references.”  
He doesn’t seem convinced but maybe he doesn’t realize: “Shawn, you’ve always been part of our family.”  
Alan is right in asking to make it official. They can do something. They can show Shawn how much they really love him and how they really feel.  
Shawn looks at them for a moment, more broken than Amy has ever seen him, before he runs out again. She has seen it coming. She is again glad that Cory follows him, so that he doesn’t have to be alone.  
They come back, about an hour later. Shawn says he can’t be a Matthews. But he also assures Cory that he knows that he has family here.  
She is fine with that. That is the important part. She doesn’t need a piece of paper telling her Shawn is her son to know that he really is. She doesn’t even need Shawn to know that – and Shawn does see them as family but that doesn’t mean he sees Amy as his mother -, he still is her son. She just needs him to know that he is loved by them. He does know.

~+~

He hasn’t been at their house for about a year. After Riley’s birth, he took off.  
Amy doesn’t have an adress or a phone number. It’s like Shawn is on a road trip again, just a much, much longer one than the one after his father’s death.  
They saw him regularly before, even after he moved to New York. He always came with Topanga and Cory when they visited him. One time, he came with just Eric, when Topanga and Cory had visited Topanga’s mother. Whenever Amy was in New York, he was there, too. He always made time for them.  
But now, it’s been a year. When they had been in New York for Cory’s birthday, Shawn had been there, too. Otherwise, they haven’t even seen him in the time.  
She always asks Cory how Shawn is when she talks to him. He calls him from time to time and Cory always says, he is fine. Amy still would like to convince herself of that with her own eyes or ears.  
Amy is sitting in the kitchen now, reading the newspaper. Alan is still at work and Morgan is out with Josh. There is a knock on the kitchen door. Amy looks up and is flooded with happiness.  
She stands up and opens the door. Of course, he is standing at the kitchen door. She barely remembers a time where he came into the front if he wasn’t with Cory. Most of the times, he came through the window of Cory’s bedroom or through the kitchen door. She is glad that he still does that – though he knocked and he definitely doesn’t need to do that.  
“Shawn,” she says with a big smile and he answers with a smile just as big: “Mrs. Matthews!”  
They hug, before Amy lets him in and closes the door behind him.  
“It’s so great to see you,” she says and he answers: “It’s really great to be here. How are you?”  
“Good, good,” she says. “Do you want something to drink?”  
He takes it and they both sit down at the kitchen table.  
“How are you?” she then asks.  
He says: “Also good. I was around for a job and thought I would pay you a little visit.”  
He seems unsure for a moment but she grabs his hand. “I am glad you are here. Tell me everything about your job.”  
They talk until Morgan and Josh get home and she is happy that Josh even remembers him – and seemingly not just because he comes up every now and then when the family is sitting together – and hugs him tightly.  
Alan is also incredibly happy when he comes home and sees him.  
Shawn stays all day and after they ask he tells them he is staying at a little hotel that isn’t the best but well within his budget. They convince him to stay with them, so he sleeps with Josh in his room which was Cory’s and Eric’s before and in which Shawn had slept so often before.

~+~

From then on, he always comes over when he is in Philadelphia. He always comes for all the birthdays. He still never calls but at least they get to see him on a regular basis and that’s good.  
It’s fifteen years later – Morgan is long out of the house and Josh moved out by now as well – when Amy sits alone in the kitchen and there is a knock on the back door again. Alan is out, meeting an old friend.  
“Come on in,” she calls out when she sees it’s Shawn. He does so and she shortly stands up, so they can hug before they both sit down.  
“How are you?” she asks while putting the bills aside she was just looking at.  
He seems to consider for a moment but then he says: “Not so well, actually.”  
She is surprised. She has often asked him how he is – he always has said he was fine even if he obviously wasn’t.  
“What happened, honey?” she asks and he needs another moment before he answers: “Last week, I found out that Virna died. Apparently she was sick and there was nothing the doctors were able to do. She died a month ago.”  
She reaches for his hands and he lets her take it.  
“I am so sorry,” she says and she doesn’t believe they have talked for years but she sees that Shawn is still feeling terrible about it. Well... It has been his mother after all, even if she hadn’t been the best one.  
He tries a smile that isn’t really working. “I don’t know why I even care. Like... When she left my dad and me for good, she didn’t even care to write me anymore. While I lived at Jonathan’s, she had written a letter every day. She didn’t care anymore afterwards. I feel so stupid for actually grieving her.”  
“Oh, hon,” she softly interrupts. “Don’t feel stupid. Of course you grieve. It perfectly normal and it’s okay. She was your mother.”  
“She was a terrible one,” he says, looking down at their hands. “But... Now, I really don’t have a mother anymore.”  
She wants to say that she is his mother as well but that isn’t what he needs to hear right now. He knows that she loves him that’s why he is here and talks to her. She is sure that he already talked to Cory and possibly even Topanga and Katy. But he purposely came here to talk to her, at least it seems that way.  
She knows that it is because he feels safe and loved in this house and by her and her husband. She doesn’t need him to see her as his mother.  
So, she just squeezes his hand and waits for him to say more.  
That, he does: “I mean... I thought I made my peace with her after she wrote me that she isn’t my biological mother. I never heard from her after that. But... She still was the one who kind of raised me. And... Actually, I met her a year ago.”  
“You did?” she asks and he nods: “Yes. We kind of ran into each other. It was a real coincidence. She apologized and told me she always loved me and still did. She felt terrible for leaving. But she was so happy that I turned out okay although she and my dad both had been...”  
He swallows and she uses the time: “You turned out more than okay. You a great human-being. You always have been.”  
He smiles slightly before he shakes his hand: “I can’t believe that she didn’t call me or wrote me or anything after she found out she was ill. I didn’t know anything. Again, I couldn’t say good-bye. Again, she didn’t say good-bye and just left. And I feel like a little kid because I even care and it frustrates me so much.”  
“You have every right to be frustrated, Shawn,” she says. “You have every right to be frustrated and grieve at the same time. Just like with your dad. It isn’t fair that she didn’t tell you anything. Or that she ever left.”  
She sees tears coming up in the grown man’s eyes and it breaks her heart. It’s the first time, she every sees his tears though she knows him from such a young age up. And he isn’t crying. His eyes are just watery but she’s still suddenly pulling him close, hugging him, both still sitting in their chairs.  
He lets it happen and relaxes in her arms. He doesn’t start shaking, doesn’t start crying.  
When they break apart, he looks at the table again and quietly says: “I lied.”  
She wonders what about but she doesn’t need to ask. He looks up into her eyes and continues: “Do you remember when you guys told me that you would adopt me?”  
She nods. Of course she remembers.  
“You said I’ve always been part of your family. And I was, wasn’t I? I knew back then as well but that never meant that Mr. Matthews actually felt like a real father for me. My real father was a totally different thing – as bad as he had been at times. But, you know... Over my childhood, I had my fair share of father figures. Chet had his good times. Then there were Jonathan, Mr. Matthews and even Mr. Feeny. Heck, Cory sometimes behaved like a father for me and actually felt like that.”  
She has to smile and he returns it, before he gets serious again: “But I was always told that Virna was my mother and for some reason, I just held on to her as hard as I could because I thought that that was how it was supposed to be. At times, she really was like a mother to me but...” It takes a heartbeat. “You were always more of a mother to me than she was.”  
Now it’s her turn to swallow hard.  
“You were there all the time, taking care of me, just liked you took care of Eric and Cory and then Morgan as well and finally Joshua. So... I lied. I still have my mother. Thank you for everything.”  
Now, she has tears in her eyes. She is incredibly touched.  
And this time, he hugs her and she hugs back, tightly.  
“I love you, mom.”  
It’s a soft whisper that goes right into her heart.  
She feels incredibly blessed, being the mom of five children.


End file.
